thoughts

So far, 2013 has been so full of shit that its already bursting at the seams. And its only February.

Its a constant battle between sadness and happiness. But sadness usually outweighs happiness. What happened to "Everything's gonna get better"??? Has it gone to waste? What happened to "Have some faith"??? Has it gone down the drain too? I'm terribly upset. Things are just not going well. Sometimes, I feel so helpless. Even though I really want to do something to actually salvage the situation... I won't know how and what to do about it. When will things get better??? I'm just hoping for a "fine". I won't ask for a "great". I just want things to be fine. Cos I know once things are fine, there would be progression.

I just realized that the older I get, things tend to fall apart more often. I feel foreign. Foreign to myself. Foreign to how I handle things now. Foreign to the feelings that I'm trying to convey. Foreign to the thoughts I habour. Things were so different then. I don't even know myself anymore. I'm growing up too fast. And sometimes, I don't even understand myself. I'm supposed to be the one who knows myself like the back of my hand. But I don't, which is really weird. There are still many dusty corners in me that I've yet to sweep. And hopefully, I would be able to find treasures in those corners instead of just cob webs.

One thing that I really just happen to know is that I'm very temperamental. Took me long enough to realize... I don't know how people can actually put up with me. I even find myself annoying.... I get so worked up and sad sometimes and then the next moment, I'm trying to persuade myself in thinking that everything's gonna be fine. Maybe I'm just a hopeful pessimist! I don't think I'm bipolar though. Temperamental me is already a fucking freak. Let's not get into the topic of me being bipolar.

I know I've not been all that. I've let people down countless times. The feeling really suck; people losing faith in you. I will thrive to be a better person. I think it not only benefits me, it also benefits the people that I truly love and care about. No matter how shitty things are right now, I'm still thankful for the things that I have and I will try my best to keep them as close to my heart as possible. I'm also thankful for the people who've chose to stay in my life. Please stay and never leave.

Goodnight xoxo